DANGER ZONE

July 1, 2011 at 6:43 pm (Fun, Thought for the Day)

For me, there is a seductive quality to being asked for advice.  “Oh, my gosh, they think I know what they should do.  I must be a very smart and wise person because people ask ME to tell them how to live their lives.”  Potentially, it can just suck me into actually believing that

a) It’s true that I am a very smart and wise person, well beyond the smartness and wisdom of the “ordinary folk”

b) it really is good sense to tell other people how to live their lives,

c) what I might have to offer is actually something new which they haven’t already considered.

d) each individual doesn’t know for themselves, down deep, what they need/want to do with their lives.

I’ve been in the danger zone numerous times.  I think I don’t need to point out that it’s “dangerous” to me, as in getting big-headed, not to mention being blamed for someone else’s life., and  you probably already know that this kind of thinking is “dangerous” to others, as in they tell themselves that they cannot be trusted to make good judgements about their life, and further rely on another who knows even less what they should do.

These days I recognize the danger zone more immediately.  That comes from years and years of not recognizing it more immediately and falling into the trap of being responsible for something over which I have no power nor right nor expertise to deal with, then being very unhappy with myself that I had misguided myself and others one more time, and finally having other people be very disillusioned that I was not the long-expected “savior” of their lives. You surely see what a danger zone this is, and how I’m eager not to go there.

So when it happens (this being asked to give advice) I begin looking around for any escape hatch I can find.  I’ve developed a list of strategies, which I pull out of the envelope in my head, if I feel trapped.

FRIEND #1  I’ve applied for that job at Barnes and Noble, and I really, really want to have it.  But, I’ve got a problem.  That guy I dated about six months ago is working there, and I don’t know if I want to re-engage that relationship.  What do you think I should do?

Me: “Wow: that is really a big decision, isn’t it.  What do you think you’ll do?”

Friend #2:  My friends and family don’t want me to keep this job I have.  I know they’re concerned for my safety, and I understand that.  Another job opportunity has come up, in an office situation.  I would HATE that kind of job, nine-to-fiving it day after day.  What should I do?”

Me: Oh, wow.  First, you’re probably right; From what you say, they ARE concerned for your safety.  They must love you a lot, yet they want you to be happy.  Of course, only you can make the final decision. I wish I knew what to tell you.”

OR

Me: Oh wow.  I don’t know.  But I remember a time in my life when I had something of the same thing be on my plate.

Friend #3:  “The doctors are telling me that for my health I should lose weight, and I know I should.  It’s just so damn hard, and I don’t want to put that much effort into it.  I just love to eat.”

Me: “I DO hear the doctor’s concern for you.  You are a good friend and I’m concerned for you, too.  If there’s anything I can do, please, and I mean this, please let me know.”

Friend #4:  “I have this dilemma. (person names dilemma and then becomes quiet).

Me: You must have a lot of feelings about that.

OR

I’m feeling (fill in blank) when I hear you talk about that.

OR

What have you thought about doing?

OR

All of the above

I guess my basic point is, while it is tempting to jump into the bottomless pit of thinking I can solve other people’s problems, or begin the climb to the imaginary mountaintop where I am the wisest of all crones, I’ve decided it is not appropriate, helpful, useful, or wise to do so.

I want to be clear though:    I still want to be supportive.  I still want to have fun.  I still want to learn from you.  I still want to be friends.

3/16/11

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